Edinburgh Rugby Supporters Club

[The Nudger]

[Loops]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?'

[Loops]

A ventriloquist from New Zealand is visiting Australia. He walks into an outback town and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Aussie "G'day mate, mind if I talk to your dog?"

Aussie: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Kiwi."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Yeah, doin' all right."

Aussie: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this guy your owner?" (pointing at the Aussie)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Aussie: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Aussie: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Aussie: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Aussie)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements."

Aussie: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Aussie: (in a panic) "The sheep's a bloody liar.."

[EXILED LEITHER]

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?



HUSBAND:
Definitely not!



WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?



HUSBAND:
Of course I do.



WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?



HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.



WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).



HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).



WIFE:
Would you live in our house?



HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.



WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?



HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?



WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?



HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.



WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?



HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.



WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?


HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.



WIFE:
- silence - -



HUSBAND:
Sh*t ....

[GuitarHero]

Prepare for one of the worst jokes you'll have heard in a while:

What do You Call a disbelieving Irishman?




..


O'Really?!

[K-Pac]

Here are some more bad ones courtesy of Mr Tim Vine (basically a new Bob Monnkhouse)

Exit Signs...they're on the wayout!!

I was about to play darts with my friend they other night so we agreed nearest the Bull to start.
I said "Baa"
He said "Moo"
so i said he was nearest and could start

I don't make jokes about the spanish.. No way Jose!

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'

there's more too if you have not had enough

[GuitarHero]

[Loops]

A woman was standing before the bedroom mirror, admiring herself in her new outfit before going out. She posed this way and that before her husband, who looked on with disinterest, then remarked,

'Your bum is the size of a 3-burner barbecue!'

Later that evening, tucked up and cosy in bed he lent over, tapped her on
the shoulder, and said,

'How about it?

She replied 'No thanks, it's not worth lighting the whole Barbecue for half a sausage!'

[Loops]

And it came to pass in Glasgow town.......


The test in the local Sunday school class was to see if the children understood the concept of getting to Heaven. The teacher asked them,

'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?'

Again, the answer was, 'NO!' and by now the teacher was starting to smile.

'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband would that get me into Heaven?'

Again, they all answered, 'NO!' and the teacher was just bursting with pride for them.
'Well,' she continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?'

Wee Jimmie up the back shouted out,

'YOU'VE GOT TAE BE F*CKIN' DEID'

[Flintys Barmy Army]

A lovely young redhead goes to the doctor. She tells him that her body hurts wherever she touches.

Doctor says "Thats not possible" and asks her to show him.

She touches her shoulder and screams, then her elbow and screams louder.

Touches her leg - and yells even louder. And when she touches her ankle she almost faints.

"You're not really a redhead are you" asks the doctor.

"No, I'm actually a blonde" she replies looking surprised.

"I thought so" said the doctor, "Your finger is broken".

[Oldsalt]

An Essex girl was in a bad car crash which left her trapped in the wreckage and bleeding.
Paramedics arrived on the scene and asked "Whats your name?"
"Sharon" she replied.
"Okay Sharon where are you bleeding from?
"Romford"


Why are Stevie Wonder's legs always wet? Because his dug is blind too!

What's green and smells like Monica Lewinsky ? - The pool table in the oval office.

[Derrick Lee's #1 Fan]

Has the Large Hadron Collider destroyed the world yet?

Don't forget to "view source".
_________________

[Oldsalt]

A group of Osama Bin Ladens Taliban soldiers were marching down a track in Afghanistan when they heard a Scot's voice call out from behind a dune " One Scot's soldier is better than ten Taliban"!
Bin Laden quickly dispatched ten of his finest soldiers over the sand dune whereupon there was a fierce gun battle, followed by silence. A Scot's voice then called out "One Scot's soldier is better than a hundred Taliban"!
The furious Bin Laden immediately sent his next best hundred fighters over the dune. A battle raged for ten minutes, followed by silence. A Scot's voice then called out "One Scot's soldier is worth a thousand Taliban"!
Enraged, Bin Laden mustered a thousand fighters and sent them over the dune. There was a huge battle, lasting more than an hour, followed by silence.
Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawled back over the dune and with his dying words told Bin Laden: "Don't send any more. It's a trap. There's actually two of them"

[Legless]

[Derrick Lee's #1 Fan]