Jokes.

[Loops]

Having just watched the Scotland 7's team being beaten by England, I thought I'd post this alleged newspaper report to cheer myself up.

SCOTLAND RULES, OK
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, English scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the English, in the weeks that followed, an Irish
archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story
published in the Belfast Telegraph read:

"Irish archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire,
have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech
communications network 30 years earlier than the English".

One week later, the Glasgow Herald, reported
the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his a field near Paisley, Willie Broon, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*** all. Willie has therefore concluded that 130 years
ago, Scotland had already gone wireless."

Just makes you proud to be Scottish!

[frillage]

Scientists have found a defective gene amoung some British men. This defective gene causes the carrier to have an abnormally small penis, they are looking to further their research into this to quantify the numbers effected. To aid the research they are requesting all men with this affliction fly a small White and red flag from their car for the next month to clarify numbers!

[skovdahl79]

I keep getting phone calls from someone singing Stand & Deliver and Price Charming. I keep telling him he's got the wrong number, but he says he doesn't. Infact, he's adamant.

Woke up on Sunday morning and realised I'd stolen a load of swimming inflatables on the way on from the pub on Saturday night. Think I'm going to have to lie low for a few days.

[Loops]

WHO SAID FOOTBALLERS AREN'T INTELLIGENT?

My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was about 7. "
David Beckham

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the
league."
Mark Viduka

"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well,
he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the
best manager I've ever had."
David Beckham

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of
bed at the end of the day."
Neville Southall

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of
which were disputable."
Paul Gascoigne

"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and
hopefully after that as well."
Alan Shearer

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona "
Mark Draper

"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll
win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out."
Peter Shilton

"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week,
but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester "
Stan Collymore

"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on
the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at
Birmingham . My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he
was out there playing."
Ade Akinbiyi

"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."
Ian Wright

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."
Ugo Ehiogu

" Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I
live in Middlesborough."
Jonathan Woodgate

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."
Stuart Pearce

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my
right."
Lee Hendrie

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."
Ian Rush

" Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11
internationals out there today."
Steve Lomas

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my
right sock."
Barry Venison

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into
what religion yet."
David Beckham

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more
European."
Phil Neville

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."
Mitchell Thomas

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my
best."
Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."
Johnny Giles

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals."
Thierry Henry

[Oldsalt]

The England lads had a get together after the USA match and bought Robert Green a drink to commiserate. He spilled it.


My computer has the Robert Green virus - it can't save anything.

Why is Robert Green like ITV HD? They both switch off at the crucial moment.

[CountryCousin]

Oldsalt,
These jokes about the poor England goalkeeper are just not nice.

Apparently complaints have been made to the organisers that the ball is "too round and slippy".

[Derrick Lee's #1 Fan]

I hear Rob Green's being lined up as the new CEO of BP. Makes sense, after all he's an expert on spillages and has helped the USA in the past.

[skovdahl79]

I hear Rob Green's being lined up as the new CEO of BP. Makes sense, after all he's an expert on spillages and has helped the USA in the past.

I heard they were after him because he managed to get a cap for his spill.

[CharlieBook]

Apparently complaints have been made to the organisers that the ball is "too round and slippy".

Wendyballers must have sunk to a new low when they are complaining about a spherical ball - how difficult is it to kick really?

mind you, football fans could ask how difficult it actually is to catch a rugby ball

[Oldsalt]

Well as we are about to start this years intercity rivalry once more here's a little bit of banter for hp18 and the rest of our friends in the west.


Jimmy and Jock went into their pub on Maryhill Road in great good humour and ordered two large whiskies.

Are you boys celebrating something? asked the barman.

Weez ur! said Jimmy. We've just finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time. A hunner pieces it hid and it only took us six months.

Six months, is that no a long time said the barman.

I don't think so said Jock, on the box it said 3 - 5 years.